Since, I read Julian Real's deconstruction of the teen vampire flick "Twilight." I decided it was time for a humorous retro review for an older vampire flick, the much forgotten "Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood" starring Dennis Miller!
Bordello of Blood (also known as Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood) is a 1996 comedy/horror film starring Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Angie Everhart, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon. It is based on the television series Tales from the Crypt. Dennis Miller plays a private investigator who ends up in a bordello run by vampires, led by the Mother of all Vampires, Lilith (Everhart).
A man called Vincent and his associates are exploring a forest, until they find a cave containing a coffin with the skeleton of Lilith, the mother of all vampires. Vincent takes a box out of his pocket, which contains the four sections of Lilith's heart. He puts it in her body, and she rapidly begins reanimating. After coming back to life, she rips the hearts out of the associates and goes after Vincent, who produces the key artifact seen in Demon Knight. Lilith promises to Vincent that if she can have the last man in the room to eat, she will behave for him.
The Crypt Keeper is having lunch with the Mummy (William Sadler), who is boring the Crypt Keeper about his life in the film industry. The Mummy challenges the Crypt Keeper to a contest of rock, paper, scissors which the Mummy wins, and he slices off the Keeper's hand with a meat cleaver. The Crypt Keeper laughs (as it didn't hurt him at all) and the Mummy gets ready for the next round. The Crypt Keeper addresses the audience, and the movie continues.
Katherine (Erika Eleniak) lives with her delinquent brother Caleb (Corey Feldman). When he turns up missing, Katherine goes to the police to ask them to look for him, to no avail. Katherine reluctantly hires Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller), a cynical and sarcastic private investigator whose office is an old adult movie theater, to look for Caleb. Rafe uncovers a brothel in a funeral home being run by vampires, where the money from the clients that visit the brothel is put towards a major Christian organization. The dwarf, meanwhile, destroys the key, so Lilith is now immortal.
Katherine gets kidnapped when they fall for a trap set up by the now-vampiric Caleb. Rafe kills the dwarf and fills some super soakers with holy water, and he and the reverend (looking to redeem himself) enter the brothel, burning all the vampires. They find Lilith, and soon the reverend is killed by a knife in the heart, and Lilith also breaks his hand. Meanwhile, Rafe finds Caleb and uses the super soaker on him. Caleb's body is burned, and he falls to the ground.
Rafe rescues Katherine. Back at the church, while shooting a documentary, Lilith returns, leaving a bloody trail. Rafe cuts her heart back into four parts, as that is the only thing that can destroy her, once the parts are out of her body. Rafe is about to be killed by Lilith when Katherine grabs a trident and stabs Lilith's heart out. Lilith's body burns to bone, and Katherine and Rafe leave.
After locking away the box with the hearts in it, Rafe and Katherine sit in Rafe's car. Rafe begins to fondle Katherine, when he asks "What's that perfume you're wearing?". He pulls back her skirt to find a pair of bite-marks on her thigh, where she was presumably bitten by Lilith. Katherine replies, "It's not perfume. It's sunblock". Then she quickly reveals her fangs as she bites into Rafe's neck. The camera cranes upwards as we hear Rafe screaming.
Another Crypt Keeper clip is shown, then the credits roll.
The vampire prostitutes make the perfect representation of feminism. These women are in charge of their own exploitation, which makes them "empowered," feeding off men for sustenance. It is really the male clients that are exploited, while these empowered women rip off heads, rip out hearts, and bite into them hungrily like the Elizabeth Bathorys that they are. This is very similar to the way modern marriage works, as men get married to these women and slowly become drained of their fortunes, their livelihoods, their children, and their property. Sucked dry by the evil vampire women.
"Bordello of Blood" is required viewing for those interested in discovering the true nature of feminism. ;)